I read somewhere that you should never regret what you've done in the past since, at that time, it was exactly what you wanted. I guess there are reasons both to agree and disagree with that statement, but I'm leaning toward agreement for now.
I've always had goals and lists...to-do lists, wish lists, dream lists (no, wishes and dreams are not always the same); and, time after time, I've crossed items off my lists and moved on with my life. There was the list of things I needed to pack as I was moving out of my parents' house. Then the list of items I needed to purchase when I got my own place and the list of things I missed putting on that list because I didn't know about them until I actually got my own place. There was a list for the classes I needed to complete at the community college before I could transfer to the university. Then the list of classes at the university to cross off for graduation. Then there was the list of people to invite to my bridal showers and wedding and the list of people to whom I owed thank-yous. There was a list of people to invite to my college graduation and the party, and another list for thank-yous... Need I continue? I do indeed write lists for everything.
Possibly the saddest list of all is my life goals, dreams, and wish list... I say "saddest" because I judge myself more harshly than anyone else I know and always assume I'm screwed up in some deep, psychological way. I really wonder at times whether my life list really makes any sense, but I've gone on long enough; you want to know what's on that list.
1. Graduate from NCC and transfer to ECU
2. Move out on my own--I'd like to live on my own for at least one year before I get married, just to prove to myself that I can actually take care of myself if I need to.
3. Graduate from college (with a degree in Elementary Education).
4. Meet Prince Charming (there's a whole sub-list for how to know I've done this one!)
5. Marry Prince Charming.
6. Have a baby.
7. Have another baby.
8. Maybe another baby...but probably just two...
9. Be a stay-at-home wife and home-schooling mom.
10. Write and publish my stories.
And basically, live happily ever after.
My dream job: home schooling mom
My dream car: Honda Civic
My dream vacation: Atlantic Beach (we can get there in less than 4 hours)
My dream pet: black lab mix puppy and a gray cat (yes, gray, and only gray)
My dream house: a two-story house with a wrap-around porch, located behind some trees a good way off the road
My lists go on forever. But nowhere on my original list was I ever anything but a wife, mom, and writer. I never wanted a career...just a means to support myself and family if the need arose. I never wanted to be rich or famous...just want enough to live and an opportunity to write.
But now I'm a teacher. A "real" teacher...in an actual school...in a classroom full of kids who aren't mine. I get a tiny paycheck each month for which I spend hours planning lessons and grading worksheets and making lists about what I need to do in my classroom or buy for my classroom and other lists about what standards I still need to teach. So many lists now crowd my life that I look longingly back at my original life list and wonder when, how, or if I'll ever actually get back on track with that.
They say you shouldn't regret the past... and I don't. I've loved teaching. I've hated teaching. I've loved planning lessons...I've hated it as well. I have a very strong love-hate relationship with this profession and it bothers me. I never hated reading or writing or learning, but teaching reading and writing is a whole different story. They don't love it the way I do. They don't really care about learning. I can't make a list and cross things off it in this profession...and I'm not sure what to do with that realization.
So for now, I teach. And for now, thanks to the advice of my darling sister (who I think knows me, in many ways, better than I even know myself) I write.
I've always had goals and lists...to-do lists, wish lists, dream lists (no, wishes and dreams are not always the same); and, time after time, I've crossed items off my lists and moved on with my life. There was the list of things I needed to pack as I was moving out of my parents' house. Then the list of items I needed to purchase when I got my own place and the list of things I missed putting on that list because I didn't know about them until I actually got my own place. There was a list for the classes I needed to complete at the community college before I could transfer to the university. Then the list of classes at the university to cross off for graduation. Then there was the list of people to invite to my bridal showers and wedding and the list of people to whom I owed thank-yous. There was a list of people to invite to my college graduation and the party, and another list for thank-yous... Need I continue? I do indeed write lists for everything.
Possibly the saddest list of all is my life goals, dreams, and wish list... I say "saddest" because I judge myself more harshly than anyone else I know and always assume I'm screwed up in some deep, psychological way. I really wonder at times whether my life list really makes any sense, but I've gone on long enough; you want to know what's on that list.
1. Graduate from NCC and transfer to ECU
2. Move out on my own--I'd like to live on my own for at least one year before I get married, just to prove to myself that I can actually take care of myself if I need to.
3. Graduate from college (with a degree in Elementary Education).
4. Meet Prince Charming (there's a whole sub-list for how to know I've done this one!)
5. Marry Prince Charming.
6. Have a baby.
7. Have another baby.
8. Maybe another baby...but probably just two...
9. Be a stay-at-home wife and home-schooling mom.
10. Write and publish my stories.
And basically, live happily ever after.
My dream job: home schooling mom
My dream car: Honda Civic
My dream vacation: Atlantic Beach (we can get there in less than 4 hours)
My dream pet: black lab mix puppy and a gray cat (yes, gray, and only gray)
My dream house: a two-story house with a wrap-around porch, located behind some trees a good way off the road
My lists go on forever. But nowhere on my original list was I ever anything but a wife, mom, and writer. I never wanted a career...just a means to support myself and family if the need arose. I never wanted to be rich or famous...just want enough to live and an opportunity to write.
But now I'm a teacher. A "real" teacher...in an actual school...in a classroom full of kids who aren't mine. I get a tiny paycheck each month for which I spend hours planning lessons and grading worksheets and making lists about what I need to do in my classroom or buy for my classroom and other lists about what standards I still need to teach. So many lists now crowd my life that I look longingly back at my original life list and wonder when, how, or if I'll ever actually get back on track with that.
They say you shouldn't regret the past... and I don't. I've loved teaching. I've hated teaching. I've loved planning lessons...I've hated it as well. I have a very strong love-hate relationship with this profession and it bothers me. I never hated reading or writing or learning, but teaching reading and writing is a whole different story. They don't love it the way I do. They don't really care about learning. I can't make a list and cross things off it in this profession...and I'm not sure what to do with that realization.
So for now, I teach. And for now, thanks to the advice of my darling sister (who I think knows me, in many ways, better than I even know myself) I write.
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